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CFFL.com News Stand
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| Johnny Rathman, Staff Writer |
For those who have missed me over these many months, Greetings. For those of you who have not, same to you.
I must admit that my absence was due to a ploy adopted from those pro footballers who play out their option year.
Didn’t work.
However, the Commissioner has agreed that I can be carried for another season at my regular generous rate of compensation. So, for those for whom this column is a new experience, and for those whose attention span is as short as mine, I’ll begin by trying to recap past articles to summarize my points of view.
Prime objective in past columns was the process by which we should select the individuals on our fantasy teams. We began at birth with the selection of the proper name.
Clearly the names of past ballplayers are predictors of future athletic performance.
Joe is good, Percy - bad. O.J. good, Harry - bad. I could go on, but you get the idea. The point here is that when you begin to select your fantasy footballers, look to the name as an important factor in their future success. There are exceptions, of course, so we have to consider a number of other equally telling characteristics.
Among these are the names of the high schools from which ours guy graduated. Avoid any potential players who have graduated from Academies of any kind. Schools with Saints names aren’t usually fertile ground either. Places which are combination high school/reformatories, offer the best proving ground for the athlete we’re looking for.
Coaches were another area of examination for our search. Those coaches who spit frequently, swore at officials, were suspended at least once per season and struck their players were all included in the selection pool. Coaches who spit on players/officials, struck opposing players/coaches, and were incarcerated during the season were given additional consideration.
The final factor considered, and one which will be pursued in greater depth in the new season, is record of felonies.
Criminal charges are not foreign to the modern athlete. However, the type of crime is an essential area to help us discriminate between individuals of equal athletic talent.
Taking athletes of equal prowess in their chosen field, favor should be given to those people who have committed certain types of crimes or have been involved in specific behaviors.
For instance, an assault charge gets higher points than shoplifting. Drug arrests are more desirable than indecent exposure, drunk and disorderly will get more points than say cross-dressing. Way more points.
So, in brief, that is what we discussed last season.
Here’s looking to the new season. Good luck to you all in finding your well-named, appropriately educated, aptly coached, star player who has at least teetered on the edge of sharing a state-financed bedroom with a guy named Bubba.
You know the $90,000,000 kid?
Don’t remember his name, but how many of them are out there?
Are we idiots or what?
Think about this for a minute. $90,000,000. 90,000,000 one dollar bills. 18,000,000 $5 bills. 9,000,000 $10 bills. Etc.
Hey! Wake up!
This kid,…no kid,… should be getting that kind of money or anything like it for playing high school ball. Will he be good for the sport? Who cares? For $90,000,000 he should save the world. Mostly from idiots who pay people that kind of money to anyone for doing anything.
But, are they the idiots? Not a bit. Those of us who pay $100 for a $15 pair of sneakers are the mentally challenged, because guess who’re really going to pay this kid. Of course we are. And the sneakers are going to make us faster, quicker, smarter, taller and more desirable, so we’re ahead.
So when the next kid who shows that he can really play a hell of a game in his sophomore year in high school is offered the State of Illinois as a signing bonus, we’ll take it in stride and pay extra taxes to reimburse the owners for their wise expenditure.
Few among us deserve that kind of compensation for our work. Some of us do, of course. And, to that end, I’d like to send you a self-addressed, stamped envelope…just in case you agree with me.
By the way, at some point in the future, if you’re interested, I’ll go into my theory which holds that gold is not a rare commodity as evidenced by the wealth of jewelry warn by running backs alone. But, not to pick on these people exclusively, do you know anyone who doesn’t own at least a few pieces of gold?
I rest my case.
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